There are no absolutes

I’ve been thinking about the main idea in this entry for a long time. The internet has made us expect people to be perfectly good or perfectly bad, they are 1s or 0s just like everything is represented in a computer. I have no idea when this happened, and it has bothered me for a while that we are attracted more and more to perfection.

Or maybe we have always loved absolutes, but the internet has made it really obvious and painful. The biggest romantic Romanian poet has written a long time ago a long poem about a princess that falls in love with the northern star, which happens to be an immortal being, that is willing to give up immortality to be with her. And he tries, but in him attempting to do so, she realizes that he is … out of her league I guess and being with him is a effort she is not willing to do, so she cheats on him with a … human.

I started thinking about this again, because as a woman I get very annoyed when I see the President of Poland Andrzej Duda being praised in the international press, because of Poland’s support of Ukraine. Overall, as a country, Poland offers the biggest support to Ukraine, there is no doubt about it, but women in Poland are being oppressed, abortions are the subject of a near-total abortion ban and there already are stories of Ukrainian women that were raped by Russian soldiers being denied abortions in Poland. So, I am very conflicted about Poland’s president.

It is very difficult to feel inspired and feel glad about his support of Ukraine, since his and his country’s support is … not complete. I mean, sure you are supporting the Ukrainian army, but what about the women that have become victims of this war and what about the women which are being denied an abortion in his own country? Who is supporting them? How can I applaud this man for supporting Ukraine when there are other things he stands against that I believe in and are important to me?

The near-total abortion ban in Poland reminds me of the communist politics in Romania… thanks to which I am here. I am the product of a communist ban on abortions and contraception, me, and a lot of other children in my generation. Because of that ban, I am here, and I had a difficult childhood and two unhappy parents. Because of that ban, I am here trying to make the world understand that no woman should be forced to have a child she is not ready for. I am here to try to convince people that the world is in the shape it is mostly because traumatized children become traumatized adults unable to heal and some of them are given more power than they can handle, and they use it trying to soothe their broken soul and in the process, they end up breaking even more souls.

This war, the stories of rapes, denied abortions and the Roe v. Wade being overturned in the US are opening some old wounds for me. I’ve been an unplanned, unwanted and unloved child and as such I would never do that to a child myself. I never thought I would end up writing about this, I never thought I would make it public, but here I am. I have my set of values that I defend and stand by them, willing to die on their hills, but somehow seems fake without the story behind it all.

I was 22years old and preparing for my batchelor’s degree when I got pregnant. I had a boyfriend at the time, I was in love and my romano-catholic upbringing left me without that much information about how my body worked. So, I trusted him to know more about sex and about my body than I did, and I got pregnant. I really wanted to keep the baby. I analysed the situation and that time in my life would have been the most suitable to have it. I had it planned, I would take my final exam, have the baby, get a job while his mother and childless aunt would help me take care of the baby, I would take no maternal leave so I could start earning money right away. And his aunt would have probably loved the idea, and she might have even offered to adopt the baby, because she always wanted one, but could not have a baby because she was born with a heart condition incompatible with a pregnancy. But he did not want the baby, and I was in no position to do it alone. So, I had an abortion, and because he did not even consider giving that child a chance, I realized he was not a good partner for me, and we broke up shortly after.

Having the baby alone and asking my overly catholic mother for support was not an option. I was pretty convinced having an abortion would condemn me to hell, but I was so scared of the shame that came with having a child while not being married, I was so scared that having that kid would derail my life in the worst way, I was so scared of bringing an unwanted child and not being able to offer it a better life than I had that I risked being condemned to hell in my afterlife, than condemn me and my child to hell in this one. I wanted that child, but had no support to give it a happy childhood, so I chose to not give it one at all.

So, there it is, this is the reason why I am so adamant about children being protected and offered good childhoods and sane parents. Therefore, I am adamant that children should be planned and loved. Therefore, I am adamant about women’s rights over their bodies. I don’t have many absolutes that I stand for, but this is one of them.

I have no doubt if I would have had that child, I would not be where I am now. Some people can choose to believe I am going to hell for what I did, but my destiny should not be anybody else’s concern but mine. Also, if you are one of those and judge me for it, because of some religious beliefs, consider this: I am living a life I never even dared to dream about, despite my “crime”, so either god does not exist, or I’m doing something else right because he’s been watching over me and taking care of me quite well.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Stay strong Ukraine! Слава Україні!

This entry was posted in Miscellaneous. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.