I have a problem. Well, I have a lot of them, but one of them never seems to go away. So, I chose to deal with it in a way I want to write here about just in case it will help somebody else.
A friend of mine, long time ago said he let his wife choose his toiletries, shower gel, aftershave, deodorant, perfume, everything not because he was lazy, but because she was the one that had to like the smell of him. So, instead of him always experimenting trying to find something she liked, it was easier for her to do it. She agreed and liked buying things for him. This small memory of mine is related to my biggest problem. My perception about me is very negative, you could say it is almost toxic. If I would allow myself to believe myself on my opinion on myself… it would be very bad.
All my life I perceived myself as being fat. I am not sure when this started, I am not sure who helped fundament this opinion about myself, but even now while being in the best shape I’ve ever been since I became an adult and having a scale showing me otherwise, having clothes from almost 10 years ago still fit me, and randomly I still think of myself as fat and stop eating for a while and start exercising heavily, until my scale shows a smaller number. Rationally I know I am not fat, but something is broken in my brains because I can’t see it, I can’t feel it. I look in the mirror and all I see is adipose tissue behind my skin, making it look puffy and unhealthy.
Today I was in a shop buying some clothes for hiking, and I realized that, based on UK sizes, I have a XS waist, but an at least S ass. This means I cannot buy trousers that fit my waist, because my ass won’t fit into them. Obviously, my perception of me is not that screwed up that I find this to be my problem. I was joking in my mind, that this should be an advantage for me, because this means I have a clepsydra body shape which is considered sexy so… win for me, I guess. Still, it is stupid, after all this time we haven’t realized that are different proportions in this world and make an effort to make clothes that fit. Because if I buy size S trousers, my ass will look good in them, but they will cover my waist and make me look my full torso look… square. Also not having a properly fitted waist means that the trousers might have a chance of slipping off me.
How in the hell we came to have such a one-dimensional size chart? How did we assume that if somebody has a body part that is small, everything about them is small, especially in a world where there are 5-foot tall men with a 6-inch penis???
Anyway, when I started a conversation on Whatsapp with a friend with my first comment about sizes, she was quick to point out that I am in good shape for my age, and I am very energetic, and I should not view myself as fat. (That wasn’t even the point of the conversation, but she dropped that in so fast, it was sweet.) She is not the only one to remind me of this; I think I managed to build myself a good support system, a group of people that keep reminding me that I am not fat. And I am grateful to every one of them, because even if I can’t feel or see myself as not being fat, they do and they insist on it.
So, my solution to my problem is similar to what my friend did about his toiletries. I chose to believe my friends regarding my weight. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get the idea that I am fat out of my head, I don’t know why. But I am aware this idea about me is wrong, my perception is malformed, and I cannot view myself as I really am. So, I choose to trust my friends, and their view of me. So, if they tell me I am not fat, I believe them with all my heart, because they see me way better than I can see myself.
Stay safe, stay happy!
Stay strong Ukraine! Слава Україні!