English Poetry And Me

When I moved from Romania to the UK, I was looking forward to speaking more English and better the knowledge of this language and maybe, hopefully improve my accent. I’ve mentioned before that I am a little defective and I just cannot hear in my own accent. I would be recording some presentation, and, in my head I would sound like Emma Watson but in reality, I sounded like Olga Kurylenko in James Bond. It’s not that bad, and if I’d look like her probably nobody would care about my accent, but I’m in no way similar to her.

One of the things I’ve had issues with when moving to the UK, and speaking way more English than before, is that is very difficult to build a complex idea in a language that I learned later in life. It works when I write books and write articles for this blog, because I have time to go over the idea in my head repeatedly, I can go over the text repeatedly and make sure the idea is expressed clearly and articulately. This barely works in conversations, because complex ideas require a lot of words, and arranging them takes me a while and by the time I can state my idea/opinion the conversation has already gone to some other subject. It was a problem initially, and when I tried to participate into conversations, I ended up spewing out some half-cooked ideas, which even sounded offensive sometimes.

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Some people die long before being buried

Having a friend that is twice my age has thought me a few things about life and if I am lucky and she manages to hang around for a while I am sure I will learn so much more. Sometimes she tells me about her friends, that are about her age and how they spend their days.

There is her cousin that is 90 years old and has moved to Dundee. He calls her every day just to make sure she is still alive and well and speaks to much and too loud, and she is annoyed with him most times, but she appreciates him just the same.

There is her friend Ann that drives without looking in the mirrors and fears driving to new places, on streets she hasn’t driven before. She has hearing problems and keeps getting hearing aids only to not wear them because she feels they are not working. She is suspicions about any medicine doctors are recommending for her, but she did get vaccinated, and she gets tested for COVID every other day.

There are her friends from u3a(University of the 3rd Age) that she misses a lot, and she can’t wait for the pandemic to be over to meet them again at the various activities they do together.

She likes to gossip a lot about the neighbours and panics easily, for the most inoffensive reasons. I try to take everything with a grain of salt, but I am very aware that there are some very interesting people living in my building.

If there is something we agree upon is that some people die a long time before being buried, and those are the saddest and bitter ones. They can also be dangerous, because they are old, and society doesn’t really bother to hold them accountable. Apparently, I have a neighbour that tried to stab some kids with a spear because they were being noisy in the hallway in front of his flat. I’m not even sure why somebody in the 21st century would own a spear, but then again there is another neighbour that owns a real-life size knight metal armour from the 16th century, so I guess … it makes sense on some level.

I like to think I am still learning, still growing and I keep hoping that if I keep in shape my life will be long and … full. I really hope I will not be one of those people that die long before being buried. I hope I will not cast a useless shadow on this Earth for too long.

As for the other things that my friend taught me, here’s one I will gladly share with you. Sometimes your life will not be perfect, things happening to you will seem senseless and chaotic. However, do not waste too much time looking for a sense and a meaning for it all, life is meant to be lived not understood.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Am I an introvert?

Short answer: yes.
Long answer: yyyyeeeeeessss.

People seem to be doubtful that I am introvert when they meet me. Not sure what they expect honestly. Maybe some TV shows like “The Big Bank Theory” have malformed the overall image of what an introvert is, maybe some famous people have declared themselves introverts without being one. I’m not sure what lead to this, but the fact that I am able to talk people, look them in the eyes from time to time, act confident in a group and what not, doesn’t make me less of an introvert.

I do enjoy the company of some people, I do enjoy group activities, it’s just that they tire me, and I need a lot of time on my own to recover. I enjoy doing most things on my own that other people seem to enjoy doing while having company. Also, I’ve never liked crowds or groups. Maybe I’m not in introvert, maybe my overall life experience made me feel uncomfortable in certain situations, I don’t know. But I can tell you there are some things that make me anxious and there are some situations when too many people, or people that I know being around me makes me enjoy the activity I’m trying to do less, if at all.

Let’s take going to the gym for example. As an adult that likes to cook and eat, and has two sedentary jobs, I am getting fat slowly and I am aware I need to go to the gym. But I hate it, I hate being in the same room with a lot of people I don’t know, I don’t like using any kind of gym equipment while other people are watching. I don’t know if it is because I feel vulnerable in those moments, or exposed during a struggle, or I just don’t like people … but I’ve never felt comfortable in a gym.

Until now.

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Just … stop

As I’ve mentioned previously, for my birthday I’ve been to a few Fringe shows. Ok, I’ve been to two shows, that was all. The Fringe festival is different this year. Because the pandemic is still very much a problem, not many venues were allowed to open so the Fringe is happening this year but in a very limited way.

The last time I was at Fringe, I’ve been there with colleagues and friends from my previous workplace, and I remember one of the shows was cringey as hell.  It was a woman comedian, and the jokes were mostly about her vagina and periods. The jokes were really, really bad and cringey and for the life of me I could not understand who the hell in that room was laughing and why. Women comedians going for gender specific jokes are the ultimate proof of lack of talent and creativity in my view, and I doubt that this opinion will ever change. It’s pretty similar to men comedians limiting themselves to bad dick jokes.

Ironically, the only comedian that disappointed me last night was a woman as well. The coincidence was that the show was taking place in the same venue as the last times. It seems they have a penchant for bad women comedians. The one last night had a collection of jokes about her vagina as well, it started with shoving garlic in it to cure a yeast infection and it ended with some period jokes. The whole 5 minutes of her show were a testament to an extreme lack of sexual and women’s health education. It was not funny, it was cringey. And still, people in that room were laughing. Why? Maybe they weren’t laughing at her jokes but at her failure of an attempt at comedy. Or maybe they were being supportive of her, because she was young and you know, maybe she has potential of being a good comedian in the future, so let’s not disenchant her, right?

This show was about comedians, copying jokes from each other. A male comedian had to do her bit and he did it better than she did. And when she had to do his bit, the only way she thought she could be funny is my inserting every 30 seconds a joke about him having a small dick. It was cringey, it was petty and most of all it was not funny.

Women comedians who do this, please stop. Your jokes are bad, and you should feel bad. I truly think a comedian regardless of gender can be funny without making jokes about their own sexual organs. Mostly, period jokes are not funny. Yeast infection jokes are not funny. The lack of sexual education and women health education are not funny. Maybe they could be, but when they are made fun of by an experienced comedian.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Second pandemic birthday

Here it is, two years to 40. If you would ask me when I was 20 about turning 40, I would have shivered and refused to think about it. Now that I am here, it’s not that bad.

This entry is being published after my birthday because, well, it was MY birthDAY. For a few years now I’ve been on vacation and spending it alone, without the pressure of throwing a party or ordering/baking a huge cake. I receive a few phone calls from dear friends, a few bouquets of flower are being delivered and that’s pretty much it.

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Old soul

Older people joke about age a lot and how inside they feel like they are much younger than their body. There are also those people that they feel older than their body because of how fast paced and traumatic their life was. I am one of those people. I might act childish sometimes and I might look younger than my age, but I feel much older. I’ve always felt more comfortable socializing with older people. When I started university, my group of friends was mostly made of last year’s students. In my thirties I had quite a few friends 10 years or more older than me.  Now that I live in Kirkcaldy, my closest friend is an 82-year-old woman.

If feels good socializing with people older and smarter than me. I know everybody’s time is precious, but somebody older is spending theirs with you is so much more valuable, because realistically … they have less of it. However, I wasn’t always so wise and there were times when I did not appreciate the time some people were so kind to share with me. That is why, I feel better about myself now that I am older, and I don’t years to be my younger stupid self ever again.

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I did another thing I never thought I’d do

About three weeks ago I did something I would have never imagined doing. I contacted a solicitor to make a will. I am originally from Romania, and I come from a long line of peasants. This means that there is not much for me to inherit from my parents. There should be some pieces of land to inherit, but my parents must inherit them first. And making papers to inherit something is not cheap and since my parents do not intend to work that land and selling it would not amount to anything, they probably won’t do a thing about it. I guess at this point we can conclude that I won’t inherit anything from my parents.

However, a while ago I became a homeowner. Since I will take care of this home and fill it with stuff and at some point, renovate it and make it worth more, it would be nice if somebody got to benefit from it. If I don’t make a will, the UK law will decide what happens to my worldly possessions and I would like to avoid that.

Over the years I’ve heard a lot of stories about siblings fighting for their parents houses or land, breaking all contact over it and enriching lawyers and judges and I never understood it. How could I? My parents did not stand to inherit anything which means me, and my sister won’t inherit anything either. So, this was never a thing we had to think about.  I just don’t understand how siblings that supposedly love each other manage to break off all contact and not speak in years, and so their children end up hating each other by proxy because of inheritance and I don’t understand how their parents can’t prevent that from happening.  I just can’t wrap my head around this idea. I like to imagine that if I were a parent of more than two kids, I wouldn’t leave them anything that couldn’t be shared equally.

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