Oct 13 2017

The day everything became clear

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 23:20

When I started seeing a psychologist, I was looking for healing. My heart was broken and my soul crushed and I wasn’t enjoying life at all. I went there hoping to heal my broken heart, and be able to use it for love again. Because I do not have many fears, but being unable to love again, turning totally cold, forever because of a bad relationship was one of them.

And it turned out I had a lot of repressed feelings – mostly anger – to solve. I did not have a good life, but I never imagined the tool took on me would leave me that broken. I’ve has suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old, but when it turned too difficult to have a normal life because of them a solution had to be found. Because I have spent my life until 32 years old learning a lot of things, except how to live.

I think it has been two years now since I started living. And then I started loving. And for the first time, I realized that my psychologist was right. Because of my upbringing, probably I’ve  never really felt love before. Only need, dependence or just … scared to be alone. When I realized I was in love again, first I got scared. What if I mess it up? What if he doesn’t love me. Turns out I was right at least in one of my fears. He does not love me. And I’ve tried to stop loving him, because what use is a love that is not reciprocated, right?

Well, it has a purpose. Being able to love, makes a person better. It gives you a different view on the world. Loving someone that does not reciprocate gives you the occasion to be close to them without the pressures of a relationship. It gives you the opportunity to be there for them, to see them for who they are and not the hormone bomb people become when in love. It feels nice, because you can definitely see if they are worth your feelings or not.

Oh, and he is worthy! He is one of the best persons I’ve met in a while. He is genuinely good and nice to me, not because he wants “something”. He’s far from perfect and he pisses me off sometimes. But the conversations I have with him are never boring and whenever I need him, he is one click away. And I reciprocate that. And I finally understood what love is. Love is when somebody’s well-being and happiness are a big part of your own. It seemed far-fetched when I grew up. It did not seem possible to love someone romantically and not be with them. Unless they moved to the other end of the world or there were other impediments, that is.

Well, he is on the other end of the world now. And I did my best to help him stay there, because that’s where he is happy.

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Sep 08 2017

So I read the Google manifesto…

Category: English posts,TechnicalIuliana @ 12:12

Before going on vacation the Google scandal of the 10-page “Google’s Ideological Echo Chamber” document was just starting. A guy at Google created this document in which he criticised the politically correct Google environment and the discrimination happening in the name of the political correctness. And that manifesto made it to the internet. I was preparing for a vacation like no other, in which I was to detach myself completely from my working environment and from the passion that I dedicated myself to for the last 16 years of my life. So I postponed reading the Google manifesto until getting back.

I read the document on the plane on my way back and I realised there is a lot of blogging material in there. Because here we are in the time where political correctness dictates which people are allowed to speak their minds out loud and which are not, unless they want to risk being fired.
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Sep 05 2017

I love writing technical books…

Category: TechnicalIuliana @ 23:23

… and messages like the ones below make all the effort worth it.

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Aug 26 2017

The long way back

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 10:33

In the Atlanta airport I met Kyle, that is a half Irishman, half Scottish American. I should have figured out his origins by the fact that he started his day with three Bloody Mary drinks. We had a nice chat about people work ethic and mountains. I then boarded the plane and wrote one of the entries for this blog. I think I also slept a little. I can tell you for sure that time flew as well, because the time to land came quite quickly.

In Washington Dulles I had a lot of time to spend, because on the way back is when the time zone difference causes a lot of trouble. Back to Europe I was flying with United Airlines which is a more lower cost version of Lufthansa with a crappy site that did not allow me to check in and choose my own seats. So I ended up in 45 E, between a handsome Russian and a nice English woman.

I went through all the customs and flying formalities and here I was with only one bag and a lot of time on my hands. So I stopped in a bar and asked for a beer and a meal and went back to blogging. I keep hoping that when I get home I will have other subjects to write about, so I want to finish all vacation entries before I come back. Also I just do not want to risk forgetting more of the thoughts I am having now.

By the time I had to board, entries up to and including the 21st of August were already done. Then, because the movies and TV series provided by United presented no interest to me, I continued blogging. And now here I am, seven hours later, almost all entries are done. What they are missing are some pictures, maybe. But aside from that all the data is in. I have about seven hours of wait in Munich. That is where all the entries will be polished and then published on the blog. I will get home at 06:00PM, so I’ll have just enough time to take a long bath, watch Game of Thrones and console the cat for my absence. Then I will doze off to sleep and I will wake up into my routine weekend life.

It is weird how wasting so much time in airports does not feel so bad. I was expecting to get crazy bored. I guess blogging can be quite time consuming, especially the way I do it. Honestly, I doubt somebody will actually read all my crazy and boring thoughts. But who knows, maybe in some other part of the world there is a stranger or a friend stuck for hours in an airport. And they do not have a blog, or are not as passionate about writing as I am, but they are passionate about reading. So here it is, enough material to kill a few hours. You are welcome.

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Aug 24 2017

The US adventure(part 14): back in Atlanta

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 9:50

In Kings Mountain I had a smoker room, I either booked it by mistake, or I booked it out of necessity, because there was nothing else, but the lady at the reception was so nice and did not give up until I allowed her to use some indoor aromatic spray in a desperate try to mask the burned tobacco stench. I unpacked a few minimum things and had a shower, then drifted off to sleep. This motel was next to a highway and judging by the multitude of trucks parked around it, it was a trucker hotel. As a consequence I got woken up around five or six in the morning but a few angry truck engines. But I was really tired and I went back to sleep for two more hours.

I left Kings Mountain and headed for Atlanta again. To my surprise in two hours I was there so I just parked my car into a public parking and started asking Google what more could I do in Atlanta. There were a few things on the list, but one of them, that was also recommended by some friends on Facebook was to go to the Coca-Cola museum. So I did, although the aquarium was more appealing to me, but then again how many aquariums can you visit in a lifetime? :))

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Aug 23 2017

The US adventure(part 13): beach day

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 9:44

For this vacation I had one beach day planned, the 23rd of August. So in the morning, I got dressed into my beach attire, checked out from the hotel and moved my ass to the beach. Parking+beach chair=45$, so if I see “free” written somewhere one more time I’ll kill somebody.

Anyway, I’ve made myself comfortable, covered my body with sunscreen and I just enjoyed a full day of doing nothing. From time to time I took a break to play in the ocean. My chair was next to the lifeguard, so I could not swim too much because apparently the rule is for the water to not go over your knee. Oh well…

It was a really relaxing day, just listening to the waves, playing in the sand and in the water. At that moment I wished I could have stayed one more day, but the plan was already done, I had to be in Kings Mountain that night and I had a 4 hour drive ahead of me.

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Aug 22 2017

The US adventure(part 12): that one gesture

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:23

August 22nd is the day when I got close to the Atlantic Ocean in the South. The first city in my way was Charleston. I stopped there for a walk down the beach, a stroll through the city market and a fancy lunch. Charleston is one of the oldest cities in US and this is quite obvious from its architecture. It’s a really cozy town, with a nice pier and park and a culture of hand made things. I think this town might actually have Irish or Scotish roots, because I recognised some symbols and motives in their handiwork. I loved this city and I would have loved to stay there more, but I needed to get to Myrtle Beach. And now, this is going to turn into one of those posts you like reading on this blog, probably.

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