Jul 22 2019

Shooting the messenger

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 18:22

Humans are social creatures to the point that if a human is unable to make connections, to have their own network of people, their own group of friends they will be considered weird and shunned.

I was criticized yesterday on Reddit, because I replied to a post about loneliness with “loneliness is ugly, but it grows on you”. A bunch of internet know-it-alls jumped on me telling that actually, I’m just compartment. Like this was an offense of some kind, some harsh word that would make me take a good look at my life, change my mind and make me get out of my house looking for people to socialize with.

I’ve been a loner most of my life. I don’t see this situation changing too soon really. And because I’m a loner and I a highly functioning independent adult, I don’t really need … friends. I mean think about it, friendship is weird: of this set of humans that I know I pick you, because I like you the best and I will dedicate more time to you than I do to the others, I will share with you most I hold dear, I will support you if you need it and deal with your shit. Because I like you.

I’m not saying I don’t have friends, because I do. And I love spending time with them. The list of people I wanted to buy stuff for when I went back home to Romania is proof of this. But most of my friends are people a either grew up with or shared a common environment enough for use to decide that we like each other with the good and the bad and no matter what happens to us in the future we’ll always be friends. It doesn’t always work, obviously, but sometimes … people just fit.

Continue reading “Shooting the messenger”

Jul 18 2019

Blast from the past(part 7)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:31

Here we are closer to the present, year 2012. At the beginning of 2012, this image was plastered over a huge office building in Iasi. And is was online too, the image below is a screenshot from a Facebook ad. Yes, I was the face of one of Endava’s recruiting efforts. And the reason why my face was there is because I had the idea of making it look like Star Trek. Clearly the image is photo-shopped, not even in my youngest days I had a waist that small. And my hair was never that perfect. But I think I am still recognizable.

If Endava wold have known that I would quit only about 4 months later, they probably would have used somebody else. But at the time, I did not know I was going to quit either. But before I quit, I was sent to Paris to work for BRD. Which is where the next picture was taken. (Just realized I still have that jacket, I’m so wearing it tomorrow. :D)

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Jul 18 2019

Visiting home (part two)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:34

The previous post ended with me getting on a flight to fly to Iasi. Lucky for me Iasi is 45 minutes away by plane and I was there in no time. In the airport my best friends and thier kids were waiting for me. Well, not quite, when you have kids, things do not always go as planned and they were a little late. :))

Honestly, the rest of the week was hazy. It was too hot but I was playing with the kids, reading, getting my first tantrum from my godson’s sister and all the time trying to get into my godson’s good graces. Why? Because he was 6 months old when I baptized him last year and now he was 1 year and a 1/2 and  he totally forgot me. Heh, he’s just a kid and his brains is bombarded with a multitude of stimuli trying to make sense of this world, but I can’t lie, it hurt a little. Being forgotten always does.

But you know who did not forget me? My friends, some of them I know from 2009 and even earlier and I’ve managed to meet quite a lot of them. And holy macro, did I mention how big of an idiot I am?? Because I forgot to take freaking pictures. I was so enchanted to see my friends and enjoy their company that I totally forgot, more than once.

Also, do not expect pictures with the kids, I am one of those adults that considers that kids pictures should not be on the internet until they are at least 16 and understand the ramifications of these things.
Continue reading “Visiting home (part two)”

Jul 16 2019

Some people are an acquired taste

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:49

For a long time people in my life have told me that I’m inadequate or unsuitable for certain things. When I was a child I was too extreme, I was rebellious and fearless and although this made my childhood amazing, it also made it dangerous. I was challenging myself and others around me, sometimes with tragic results. I insisted to go to school when I had the mumps to present an important paper and managed to give it to my desk-mate. I was venturing outside the neighborhood to unknown areas, sometimes taking the group with me and returning late at home, when all the parents would be already crazy with worry. No wonder my parents used to beat the shit out of me and threatened me with grounding me for weeks inside my room. Nothing worked though and in retrospect it was a little bit their fault.

Every summer, they used to ship me and my sister to the country side to my grandma. She used to ask us to help her work the garden sometimes, but otherwise she would chase us away from home so we won’t annoy her. So I’ve had a wild childhood. I used to wonder on those hills next to her house, the forests after them and every neighbour garden that used to have one or more trees that produced some kind of fruit that was edible. We would build castles out of mud and play in the near-by river which became dangerous after a heavy rain.

And when I hit 14, all of a sudden I was asked to behave like a well educated girl. Which meant not talking without being asked, not to laugh to loudly, not to do anything that might endanger my face, or leave scars and above all be gentle. Not to spill stuff on my clothes, etc … whatever passes as girlish and delicate. Kinda late to ask somebody to behave this way after you’ve allowed them to be wild for a long while.

So there I was, puberty hit and I had no idea how to behave. Well, as an adolescent you don’t know much of everything really, and all the pressure on how I should be and I wasn’t was getting me depressed. Anyway, puberty has long passed and gone, but I’ve found myself as an adult … unfit again. I was a girl in a faculty for boys. Then I was a woman working in a male dominated field. Still misfit, still wrong somehow.

Maybe it’s not the domain, maybe I just don’t fit well with other people. I try, but then I miserably fail and retreat and become a recluse. The reason I say I am an introvert is because I have so many thoughts in my head that never get to leave it and I fight to keep them in because if I let them out they will be misinterpreted and people would get hurt. And we live in a very sensitive brave new world where people get offended easily. So yeah, I’m an introvert by choice and my extrovert bursts caused by having a good day here and there, or just getting passionate with a cause or a person, are just that. Short bursts of joy and of friendliness, that I pay for with feeling tired and inadequate for days, because my interactions, ultimately feel awkward and unwelcome. And that is because obviously, practice makes perfect and I am always out of practice.

Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for some people, and the way I am seems to make people uncomfortable most times. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I should change. But then again, I had suicidal thoughts most of my life because I tried to fit labels other people put on me. I tried to meet somebody else’s expectations for so long and nearly drove me to mess up my life.

I’m not perfect and I’m not anybody’s dream girl. I’m an acquired taste, I am liquorice. There are not many people that like liquorice and that is ok.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Jul 11 2019

Blast from the past(part 6)

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 22:45

Here we are, year 2011. This was a really good year. I had quite an active social life, I was a renown blogger in Iasi. The Iasi blogospere was just taking off and there were a lot of events. The first group of bloggers from Iasi was quite a tight-knit team. We were together a lot during that summer. We were playing basketball and then we were going for a beer twice a week sometimes. The weekends were long and we were walking from pub to pub, sometimes getting home the next morning.

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Jul 10 2019

Visiting home (part one)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:04

It has been exactly one month since I last posted something on this blog. As expected, when I take breaks from writing is because I am busy with something else. Let me update you.

On the 20th of June I took flight and went back to Romania to check on my friends and family and to go to the wedding of a dear friend and previous co-worker. I left my cat in Scotland with another dear friend and from the pictures he sent she had the time of her life. She was spolied as fuck and well taken care of. I was actually debating if I should get her back or not. Just look at her:

Anyway, the cat was having the time of her life, I on the other hand… not really. Long story follows, click at your own risk.

Continue reading “Visiting home (part one)”

Jun 11 2019

Blast from the past(part 5)

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:33

I know I took a long break from writing again. I could blame my absence on working on my books, but I would be lying. Truth is whenever I get a bout of depression I have energy for one thing only: keeping up a steady job so I can pay my rent and feed my cat. Seriously, this cat is the reason while I’m a decent functioning adult sometimes.

But, back to my awesome series.This time I have two pictures for you.

In the background of this picture you can see the Back Sea. In 2010 I broke up with Rpx. It was one of those mutual(sort of) break-ups. Quite peacefull and chill, it was quite clear to us, that for some reason we no longer fitted together. So I decided to go the Black Sea with a small set of friends(?) to a small city called Vama Veche which is known for being destination for young people to get drunk, have fun and probably do drugs in the summer. I was there for all of them.

I rented a bed in a camper van and it was the most disgusting place I ever slept in. But I got to ride a motorcycle with a friend of mine, I got to smoke marijuana, get a little drunk, have a little fun and ironically no, I did not get to swim in the sea because I almost drowned in 2009 at Gura Portitei. So I  ended up being a little afraid of water with its own random currents.

Obviously, I need to tell you about my first experience with marijuana, because, because … I just must.  So although for more than 10 years I smoked  because my friends kept offering me cigarettes and I was so desperate for acceptance and inclusion I never said no, I was never a real smoker. So obviously smoking marijuana is not something I enjoyed doing. The smell and taste of smoke just make me nauseous and disgust me to this day. I will probably never smoke in my life again. Being young – well not so young, I was 27 – I kinda felt weird about not being able to contribute with my own opinion in discussions with my friends about marijuana. So, feeling naughty I asked one of the guys in the group to get one so we can do some research. I remember three or four of us staying in a circle in the sand next to a bonfire. We all smoked and kept talking nonsense. I was less focused on the discussion and more focused on me and what I was feeling, because I wanted to feel something, I was not even sure what. So I just stood there on my ass, on the sand waiting. And nothing happened. At some point I just felt sleepy, so I said bye bye to my guys and just went to my camper van. Since I did not check the time, I will never know how much I sat on my ass waiting for something to happen, for some extraordinary sensation that never came.

You expected some crazy story? Now you know how I’ve felt. I would like very much to have a crazy story to write, but I don’t.

Curious fact: one of the guys I’ve went to the Black Sea with was, and still is, suffering from mythomania. After coming back from the sea I’ve written a very big sarcastic post about this guy being a pathological liar which turned him into a pariah in the local blogospehere for years. A few years after doing that, I felt bad, I mean it was online bullying after all, and I’ve made the post private, before Google got so good at indexing content. Unfortunately, mythomania is not curable, unless you have parents that actually care about you enough(unfortunately this poor kid did not) to take you to a psychologist. But then again in Romania psychologists are one step down the ladder from palm readers, so if his parents would have cared about him lying the therapy would have been some pair of beatings. Anyway, after reconnecting a month ago with a friend from that group, I find out that the guy is still lying his way through life, he moved to Bucharest and he’s a slowly rising politician. This says a lot about Romania’s politicians, right? Anyway, if you are ever asked to vote for Vlad Moraru, be really sure you know the guy, because it could be my guy.

The picture above was taken towards the end of the year. By that time I met the unmentionable boyfriend and I was … happy. The necklace you see in the picture was kinda goth and kinda cool and I loved it. I have no idea when I lost it and I still regret losing it. I bought it from a thrift store. That’s all I remember about this picture. I do not even remember the context, nor the reason for taking it – because it is obviously a selfie. At that time the blogosphere was slowly shifting towards Facebook, so I might have taken this picture for my Facebook profile.

And that’s it kids. Story time is done, because mommy has to write some code.

Stay safe, stay happy!