Clarification: this entry was written a while ago, just did not felt like posting it at the time.
Somebody asked me today if I feel lonely. I’ve answered this question so many times, in so many ways, but my heart still sinks a little when I have to answer it again. This question came in a conversation about holidays, when I was also asked if I am going home.
Home… such a confusing term for me. I don’t remember the last time a place felt like home. The flat I bought feels familiar, but it is too early to feel like home. Plus, the term home is linked less to a house and more to the people you care about. They feel like home.
The disadvantage of never staying in one place for enough time is that you are not anchored to any place. The advantage of never staying in one place for enough time is that you are not anchored to any place. It is paradoxical, but every time I hear people pissed because of their family, friends, and social obligations I envy them and pity them at the same time. For me it is easy, I choose the persons I spend time with… most times. Now with this pandemic, some of that choice was taken away, but I am not that upset about it.
It’s just … I guess I always expected to end up alone, detached from the world around me. I always expected people to not really see me, or understand me, or want to, really. I don’t know why. Maybe because this is how my parents made me feel, when I was a child, like I have no importance, like I do not matter. Sometimes is hurts, sometimes it feels weird, I don’t know how to explain it really.
The last time somebody saw me, the last time I mattered to somebody, he broke my heart and then I did not matter anymore. Again. So, I guess, my conclusion was that if I manage to keep myself just dull enough, people won’t be interested and there is no risk of getting my heart broken again.
Of course, I feel lonely, of course sometimes I am cold in my bed, and I would love a warm body wrapped around me. I would love to be seen, understood and matter for somebody. But this is real life, and in real life, people say they like you, they say they really do. Then say they love you and that they want to be close to you. And when they get close to you, they change you, then they say they don’t understand you, they no longer know you and then they say they don’t love you anymore. That they don’t know how it happened, but it did. That is if you are lucky, because if you are not… they just leave.
Of course, I feel lonely, I still have a heart. Just because I don’t use it, it doesn’t mean it is not there. Sometimes I just wished my friends and loved ones would stop telling me I am this great and amazing person, because it feels like a lie. If I were that great and amazing, somebody would have taken advantage of this by now. I am not great, I am not amazing, I am just a functioning adult, with a lot of fears, a mild ADHD, some bouts of depression and anxiety, a lot of determination, some lack of control over my emotions and two cats. There are billions out there just like me. Nobody is special and all of us are lonely and bitter sometimes.
I don’t know if I have all these thoughts because I am on my way back to my flat in a train full of people, all of them going about their lives, all of them lost in their minds or on their phones, all of them busy, all of them great and amazing in the same way as me.
Or maybe I am thinking all this because there is some alcohol in my system and my thoughts are just flooding over my inhibitions gate. Maybe there is a lesson in this, maybe I should quit alcohol completely. Currently I am a little dizzy, my mouth is dry and there are still 30 minutes to my city, and I feel so damn sad. There is no reason to be sad, my job is nice, my cats are fed, my life is great… so fucking great.
I was talking to somebody a few days ago and this person said that was missing their family and friends and I realized I have no idea how it feels to miss somebody. I do love some people, but I don’t know how missing them feels. I would be happy to spend some time with them, and if they would magically appear in front of me, I would be so happy. But I do not yearn actively for their company or feel bad because they are not close. I have a good friend, we’ve known each other for 20 years and he tells me he misses me, because we haven’t seen each other for a lot of time. I reply with “I miss you too”, because I know he expects me to say it too, but I don’t, because I don’t know how it feels.
I don’t miss anyone in particular, but I do feel sad and lonely sometimes. Hey, at least I can console myself with the thought that I am not a psychopath.
Yeah, this is a long train ride, you will get a long entry. Some so called adult is playing a shooter game on his phone. Why would you not use headphones? Why is it important for all of us to hear your game? Do you feel lonely too? Is this cry for help? Are you so starved for human interaction that you would be ok at this point with somebody telling you to stick your phone where the sun doesn’t shine? Also, don’t misunderstand me, or think I’m being unnecessary obscene, the sun doesn’t shine in a coat pocket after all.
I’ve cut my hair the previous weekend, I just wanted it off my face. Now I have a pixie cut, I am not sure I like it. I might zap it completely again. Or I’ll just ignore it until it is in my face again.
Of course, I am feeling lonely from time to time, but because I am feeling lonely, I’d rather isolate myself from people until I don’t. Because of this lonely feeling I risk allowing the wrong people to come close, so I’ll be damn if I allow anybody to get close to me when I am so vulnerable and take advantage of my neediness for human interaction.
Of course, I am feeling lonely, I am human after all. Sometimes I wish I weren’t, but I am.
Stay safe, stay happy!