Aug 08 2021

The one where I was an awful friend

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:45

Having a troubled childhood and being raised in a quite toxic environment has affected the amount of trust I can have in people. Years have passed and I was lucky enough that changed for me, but being I always relied on my survival instinct and defense mechanisms to move forward. I kept people at a certain distance, and I became increasingly anxious when that distance got smaller. For a normal person a friendship becoming stronger is a good thing, for me it was an anchor keeping me in place in case things got bad.

I remember when I started my proceedings to move to Scotland, I had a group of friends in Sibiu. It was a very close one, made of a few amazing people, but two of them were the most incredible women I ever met in my life. Problem is, thinking about not spending time with them anymore, not seeing them because I moved half a world away hurt like hell. As the time of the move got close, I became increasingly anxious about them, I resented the fact that they were so damn friendly and so damn easy to love. I know… it seems illogical and it. So, I grabbed into one occasion I could start a fight and I distanced myself from them.

Sure, in time I realized I was an idiot and I tried mending the relationships I wrecked then. We are maybe a little more than acquaintances now and I wish I could turn the time back and tell them: “I love you so much I hate you, and I might act like an idiot until I leave. Please forgive me, bear with me and call out my bullshit”.

There is conclusion to this entry, maybe just that … I miss them and I am sorry. I still think of them fondly and if any one of them would tell me that they need my help I would turn the world upside down to do it, even if they wouldn’t for me; just because I appreciate the time, they were in my life so much.

Don’t do like I did I guess, be honest and open to your friends, they might surprise you.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Aug 07 2021

Philosophy and seagulls

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 12:44

There are not many things comparable in this world to hear somebody you sorta’ admire tell you “You are right”.  Well, that happened to me yesterday and I swear to you my heart skipped a beat.

A while ago we hired a new senior engineer. Funny enough we “stole” him from the same company I left to work at my current one. He had the first interview with me, and I could tell this guy was brilliant. He is smart and he used to work with stuff I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole, because of how much ethical blockage that would give me. I could tell fast that he was smart as fuck and that his way of looking at a problem and designing a solution was different than mine, or anybody else in our engineering team. After a first interview, I rarely think about a candidate that they will pass the second interview with flying colors, but I had no doubt about this guy. I was obviously right about him.

Aaaaanyway, yesterday we were chatting about a task we both worked on, and the discussion turned to things unrelated to work. He is currently living in Edinburgh and thinking about moving because living there isn’t cheap. He asked me about Kirkcaldy, and you probably know by now I love living here. He asked my opinion on seagulls, and I told him I love them. Well, I wouldn’t say I love them, but they don’t bother me either. This opened the door for a philosophical discussion neither of us was ready for.

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Aug 06 2021

Fun thought

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:33

I know you wanted this entry yesterday, but it is what it is. I was caught at work, then in some DHL mess and then I played Starcraft until quite late. I will post this entry with the date of the previous day (the 6th of August) and you will get a another entry for today. I hope this makes up for it.

All day I had this thought in my mind: how would the world look like if the human species, had two sexes but any of them could get pregnant and scientists would have no way to figure out which has the bigger change of getting pregnant?  It would still take two partners with the complementary sex to create an offspring, but after sex, nature decides which is the one that gets pregnant. Randomly. Nothing else should change, we should still have males and females, with different features that are unrelated to their role in the reproduction function. I have no idea which criteria could be. I know biologically it’s an impossibility, but let’s just use our imagination together for a bit.

I am curious if abortion and contraception would be such a problem for various organized religions. I am curious how those religions would look like when virgin Mary, might as well be a virgin Mike.

I am curious how the politics of this would deal with paternal/maternal leave. Who would be the stay-at-home parent? Does it even matter? How about rape? Who would be accused of “asking for it”?  Would a rapist even risk raping somebody knowing they could get pregnant?

I would love for a writer to take a shot at this and imagine a world like this, I would read the hell of the book they produce. So, if you know a book with this topic exists, please recommend it in the comments. I will be forever grateful.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Aug 05 2021

Go get what you deserve!

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:33

This morning I was having a conversation with my cousin. I haven’t kept in touch with her because, she is as most of my family, a person with very different set of values and view about the world. So, there is not much we can talk about daily. We can say “hi”, we can exchange opinions on the weather, exchange details about health and that is about it.

She asked me where I live now, and I told her about my flat with a sea view, underground parking, pool and sauna and she told me that I am treating or rewarding or indulging myself, not sure how to translate that verb from Romanian, because it is one of those things with a complex meaning that is not translatable. I did not know what to answer so I just said: “well, I deserve it” and this is what started my current train of thought that became this entry.

Life is not going to give you what you deserve or more. If you are lucky, you get just enough to be motivated to keep living. If you think you deserve more, you must go get it.  So run the extra mile, work that extra hour, push father than necessary when required and then go and reward yourself. Buy that dress, go in that holiday, climb that tree, or steal that kiss. Most of us must get what we deserve for ourselves, because life won’t give it to us easily.

I deserved to see John Mayer sing life. No boyfriend or friend or family would have gifted me that ticket. So, I got it for myself. I deserved a better car, there was nobody to help me choose it or gift it to me, because my social circle is not made of people that gift cars to each other. So, I went ahead and bought it. I deserved to live in a place where I felt safe and so I bought it.

I deserved more, so I went and got it against all odds, and I exceeded some people’s expectations in the process, including my own. Sure it hasn’t been easy sometimes, but it was all worth it.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Aug 04 2021

The one where I almost was a villain

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:32

As you know by now, I now have two cats. One of them is young and … completely nuts. I live in an attic flat, and I share a terrace with another few residents.

As you’ve probably heard by now, it has been a great summer in Scotland. This means at least two of my windows have been constantly opened. And the little Satan that is my little cat, has decided it would be a good idea to inspect the flats of my neighbors. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, or at least not a big problem, but one of my neighbors has a cat phobia.

Cats seems to have a penchant for people that want to be left alone. My little Satan is no exception, because he just randomly strolled into my neighbor’s flat and waited for her to come out of the shower. As you can probably imagine, she was not happy about it and complained to the property caretaker and to the administrative committee. The property caretaker is my friend. The administrative committee doesn’t give a flying fuck, which is good for me. But still, I was warned that her husband will come to talk to me.

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Aug 03 2021

It is all connected

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:49

What is in your gut is important, it is more important than you know. If you have an upset stomach, you cannot focus properly, you are irritable and not to mention… in pain. What most people never stop to consider is that the digestive system is basically a tube through the body, one head is the mouth, the other one is the asshole. Surprisingly, its multiple parts have their own bacterial ecosystem, and when they are in harmony with each other, everything works fine. When one of them is destabilized, it destabilized the others sometimes more, sometimes less, depends on what destabilized it.

For most of my life I’ve had troubles with my digestive system. Various doctors have told me I have IBS (Irritable Bowel System) and they might have been right, but this is a disease without a cause apparently. It has been linked to things like food passing through your gut too quickly or too slowly, oversensitive nerves in your gut, stress, etc.

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Aug 02 2021

The breaking point

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:48

When the lockdown started last year, I was quite happy, finally I could replace my lunch with a run and keep in shape. Sounded like a plan, right?

And it worked too, until it didn’t. For the last 5 years or so I’ve been 63 kilograms in weight. I was not happy about it, but I had other priorities and I was still pretty good looking and athletic, so I was ok with that. Some skirts and dresses were a little tighter, but that gave me curves so, I was not that upset.

Problem is, two weeks ago I tried some of my pre-pandemic dresses and they no longer fit me. Those dresses were bought after my last break-up, when I was trying to prove myself that I am beautiful, and feminine and I had style; and I barely wore them. Well, I could buy other dresses, I can afford it, but I love those dresses. Plus, the problem is that I keep getting fat or heavy, (call it whatever you want, I insist on calling myself fat to motivate myself from losing it; the more negative the better) at a somewhat barely chill rate. So, I don’t really see it or feel it unless I get on the scale.

I tried one dress after the other, while hyperventilating and swearing and crying at the same time. I hated myself for allowing this to happen. I went then to the scale. It showed 65 kilograms. I’ve put 2 kilograms during lockdown.

And what did I do? Did I go to the gym? Did I stop eating? No. I started eating out of sadness and frustration. And this week on Thursday, showed 66 kilograms. I added 1 kilogram in two weeks.

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