Mar 17 2017

Made my day

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:05

I’m going to a rough period at work, I’m struggling a lot to get some work done and nothing seems to work. And my manager got sick so I had to deal with the hellfire of some releases being late. Today I was at the gym, and left without my equipment knapsack. So yeah, I am that tired, and that out of this world. I went there and I have no idea how I could focus, because all I was thinking of was how to tackle down the problem I had at work.

No I’m not an workaholic, but here’s the thing: my career, my problem solving skill, my ability to deliver high quality code and solutions is the sole source of satisfaction for me at the moment. Seriously. I was not able to buy a ticket to a John Mayer concert, the sabbatical is not happening, neither is learning to play guitar and I’m sort-of broken hearted as well. Believe me, work is all I have at the moment. If work does not bring me the satisfaction I need, I fall down into the darkness of low self-esteem and depression.

It is during this times when I start thinking about who I am and what I am actually doing. And I remember that all I wanted to become was the perfect wife and mom, I wanted the family I never had. I wanted somebody to love me and a couple of hyper-active kids. And what did I get. Apparently… the ability to make money, to inspire people, to motivate and lift them up. And I have no idea how I’m doing it, because I cannot do the same for me, at least not now.

But tonight, after a bad and disappointing day somebody’s words made my day. One of the people that bought my book, left me some messages on hangouts telling me that she likes one of my books, that she is very impressed with my work and that will help her prepare for the exam.

It is not the first time I receive thanks for one of my books. And sometimes they come at the moments then I need them the most. Thank you Sindiso Mpofu, you made my day!


Mar 07 2017

Just in a damn fine good mood

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 23:03

I started doing a lot of things this year. I am slowly steering my career into a new direction, I am writing a new book, I have at least two teaching activities and I am getting fit.(Or die trying :D) Sometimes it seems as I am biting more than I can chew, but then again I know myself better now. I lived for many years not trusting myself and always doubting my will and my abilities. Sometimes I still do that verbally. Sometimes I still do that in my mind. But when I lift my head up from my pillow and I see the sun shining in my window, I know that this new day, is just another day that if I use correctly it will bring me closer to my purpose.

What’s my purpose? To make this year a little bit better than the last one. To make me a little bit better this year. To bring my contribution to making my small universe a little bit better.

Sure, there will be stormy days, there will be bad troughs and low self-esteem. But they will pass. They always do.

I’m feeling particularly optimistic today, no idea why. It wasn’t such a good day, but here I am, after a good movie and some Sinatra, thinking positively about tomorrow.

I’ve been thinking a lot these days. You see, I had some many plans for this year. I wanted to take a sabbatical. I wanted to listen to John Mayer sing live. I wanted to go to Australia. Maybe US. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to fall in love and try being with someone again. I wanted to learn to play guitar. I wanted to get my motorbike drivers license and a motorbike. None of this will happen, but some other things that I did not plan for will. And they are nonetheless amazing. And I am happy and grateful. There is one thing this year that might happen that will make me the happiest I’ve been in my lifetime. I’ll tell you about it in a month or so.

Sure, nothing in the TODO list will get done this year. But at least I’ve managed to get all my ducks in a row and get my shit together. That’s gotta count for something. ;)

After how my life started and how it unfolded over the years, I never thought I deserve to be this happy. I guess I was wrong.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Mar 05 2017

Always late to the party

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:36

In Romania, we have an expression that goes like this: “Never run after women and never run after trains. Others will always come.” This also means, that if you missed your train, no matter how much you run, you will not catch it.  In English you have a similar, but shorter expression to describe people that miss their moment, “The ones that are always late to the party.

I am one of these people. Since I’ve been born I was always late to the party.

My first love died and never got to tell him how I really felt.

The second is happily married with a 5 or 6 year old kid that has his eyes. He probably does not know how much he meant to me either.

The third, well I could not have made it to that party unless I was born 20 years ago, because he is a lot older than me.

The forth, he’s either married, or he has given his heart to somebody else such a long time ago, that it does not belong to him anymore. I really do not want to know at this point.

I usually do not care. When I start caring, I become weak. I lose sleep and my imagination tries to compensate for the sadness of not being loved back, by giving me weird dreams. I turn to logic and try to turn cold. I hide behind my glasses and behind the awkwardness of my introvert nature. And I dive deep into work, I dive deep into sport. I make myself physically and mentally tired so I cannot think of my feelings anymore. I keep myself busy so I do not have time to think about feelings. I ignore them until they disappear, or turn into lesser versions that do not have the power to hinder my judgement.

Sometimes I lie to myself that what I’m doing is actually working on myself, becoming a better person, because I will meet him one day and he deserves to meet the best version of me. But sometimes, all my work and all my effort seems so pointless. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for an imaginary lover that I might never meet, or miss him by a few hours, or years. Because that is how I roll, apparently.

I’ll just have to wait for the next party. Or train. Or man. Unless I die until then. And if I die, there’s not much loss anyway. We are all born and die without a reason or purpose, in a  few generations there will be almost no trace of the real us anyway. I’ll find comfort in my loneliness and pain, and I will use them as fuel to move forward. No idea towards what or whom.

And meanwhile, life goes on, the sun keeps shining.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Mar 04 2017

Românii și homosexualii

Category: Romanian postsIuliana @ 21:44

Am auzit de la colegii de lucru cum că s-ar pregăti un referendum pentru familia tradițională, la sensul că, populația să aleagă dacă vrea ca cuplurile gay să se poată căsători sau să le interzică prin lege asta. Mă mir că nu fac un referendum prin care să se dea o lege împotriva oricărei deviații sexuale care să impună eventual pedepsirea cu moartea prin ardere pe rug, ca pe vremea vrăjitoarelor… în fine.

Eu cred că am mai scris despre subiectul ăsta, pe aici, dar aparent sunt nevoită să mă repet și să tot mai dau detalii. Eu până prin 2009 am fost oarecum homofobă, de fapt… destul de vehementă, hai să nu mă  mai ascund! De ce? Pentru că așa fusesem educată în spiritul minunatei biserici catolice. Pentru că părinții mei erau homofobi. Pentru că în anturajul meu aveam fie homofobi, fie oameni care preferau să nu își spună părerea despre asta. Dar mai era un motiv pe care nu am avut curajul să îl recunosc nici față de mine. Eu nu m-am considerat niciodată frumoasă sau deșteaptă și mai eram și săracă, așa că mereu am crezut că șansele mele să ajung să mă căsătoresc sunt foarte mici. Deci mi se părea de neconceput că după ce că și așa nu erau prea mulți bărbați la care aș fi avut șanse eu, să fie și mai puțini din cauză că unora le-ar cășuna să fie gay.  Plus, aveam așa o teama și o scârbă, de faptul că aș iubi un bărbat și acesta m-ar putea înșela cu un bărbat… Deci da, așa gândeam eu pe atunci. Între timp mi-a venit mintea la cap. Am înțeles că nu alegi pe cine cine iubești și că orice te face un om mai bun ar trebui să fie acceptat de societate.

Acum am să revin cu o idee pe care am mai aruncat-o pe aici: nu suntem o societate perfectă. Deviațiile sexuale pe motive anatomice sunt naturale și prezente la toate speciile. Nu înțeleg de ce noi oamenii ne credem așa speciali. Deviațiile sexuale pe bază mentală sunt cauzate de abuzuri fizice sau psihice pe care individul le suferă în perioada de creștere și educație și arhitecții acestora de cele mai multe ori sunt persoane apropiate sau chiar părinții. Ar trebui să acceptăm deviațiile sexuale naturale, pentru că o data ce sunt parte din natură, ei bine …sunt naturale. Normale chiar. Ar trebui să acceptăm deviațiile sexuale pe bază mentală, pentru că sunt consecințele societății pe care noi ne-am creat-o. Sunt responsabilitatea noastră.

În România, împotrivirea împotrivă căsătoriilor gay își are rădăcina în îndoctrinarea bisericească și în nebunia conformismului. Nu înțeleg obsesia oamenilor, de a-și manifesta un minim de putere și a face un rău altora. Probabil vine din frustrări proprii și lipsă de control asupra propriei vieți așa că simt nevoia să o controleze pe a altora.

Am auzit, păreri și cum că, ok să se căsătorească, dar să nu adopte. Asta e o idioțenie și mai mare. Nici unii dintre oamenii homosexuali nu s-a născut din părinți homosexuali (Dooh!) sau a fost învățat să fie așa acasă. Dacă ar fi după mine, le-aș da voie să se căsătorească și l-aș da voie să și adopte. Orfelinatele din România sunt pline de copii ce cresc într-o societate paralelă, aproape ferală, au parte de abuzuri de la cei dominanți și chiar de la îngrijitori. Când ies de acolo, fie ajung în pătura de jos a societății, trăind de pe o zi pe alta, făcând slujbele de jos sau poate chiar ajung răufăcători.  Presupunând prin absurd, că dacă este crescut într-o familie homosexual, un copil ajunge homosexual, mai bine un homosexual educat, îngrijit și fericit, un cetățean apt de muncă și plătitor de taxe, decât oricare din cele de mai sus.

Uneori mă gândesc că mulți dintre cre(ș)tinii ăștia care se opun legalizării căsătoriei gay și se opun ca bieții oameni să aibă orice fel de drepturi, fac cumva o asociere între homosexuali și violatori sau pedofili. Se tem cumva că dacă homosexualii vor fi parte acceptată a societății, vor fi obligați și ei să fie homosexuali sau ceva. Sau poate, dacă au citit biblia, fac asociere între homosexuali și episodul Sodoma și Gomora, în care se povestește că o turmă de înfierbântați ar fi vrut să violeze doi îngeri. În concluzie, așa zisul dumnezeu atotputernic a decis să ardă cele două orașe. Dacă ați citit biblia, nu v-a trecut niciodată prin cap ca dumnezeu poate nu a pedepsit oamenii ăia pentru că erau homosexuali, ci pentru că erau niște violatori nenorociți?

Așa că, dragii mei români, înainte să limitați drepturile altora, nu vreți voi să faceți un exercițiu de empatie? Ia imaginați-vă că trăim într-0 societate în care nu ai voie să faci sex/căsătorești prin lege cu o persoană cu culoare diferită de ochi. Dacă iubitul/iubita/soțul/soția are ochii de altă culoare, imaginează-ți cum ar fi să fii hulit, să nu ai voie să fii cu ea, să o atingi, să o iubești, să fii privit în scârbă de alte persoane, doar pentru că tu o iubești. Tu vrei doar să fii aproape de persoana asta, să locuiți împreună, să îi oferi tot ce e mai bun în lumea asta. Dar n-ai voie. Nu pentru ca asta ar provoca cine știe ce cataclism, ci doar pentru că, undeva, cuiva în trecut i-a venit o idee creață și a reușit să o aducă la nivel de lege. Cum te simți? Cam nasol, nu? Ei bine, prin asta trec oamenii ăia.

Dacă se va face referendumul sau nu, chiar nu știu. Dar dacă se va face, mă voi duce să votez împotriva regulilor destinate a face niște idioți să se simtă bine, pentru că au reușit să decidă soarta unor oameni pe care nici nu îi cunosc și nici nu le-au făcut vreun rău vreodată.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Mar 03 2017

Full speed ahead

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 21:44

Tonight I left work quite late. I’ve been struggling with a performance issue and an infinite loop in some code that was written years ago, that was undocumented, written in a very high cohesive manner and almost impossible to test, not unless you were willing to make a deal with the devil and selling a piece of your soul that is.

I like challenges, I like complicated people, I like complicate problems, but working on this task has drained me. While working on this task I thought about quitting a thousand times. And then I quit that idea. I love writing code, providing solutions, but this was not it. This was sisific work. And after all this time, finally one of the colleagues that has worked with this code from the beginning came in and saved the day. I am glad he did, because I could barely sleep while being haunted by that infinite loop, and when I did I had nightmares about being fired because I could not make it work.  Honestly, I don’t know why there is a team working with that code, because lately everyone working with that code managed to break something. Except for this guy, he is the only one that actually can make any change on it work.

And while torturing myself mentally and felling like the shittiest developer/architect/IT professional ever, I was offered the possibility to switch slowly to managing. When my manager told me on Tuesday that I have to get used to the idea that I won’t be writing code anymore, I was reluctant about it. But now, not so much. I am tired and I am disappointed. And most of all I realized that I do not want to code like this. I am sick of coding as a sanitary fish, to patch and fix POC’s of genius minds, that can solve complex problem, but they cannot share their knowledge. I like to think my architectures thoroughly, I like to write design documents and UML schemas. I like to write my tests simultaneously with my code.  This is the way I want to code. If I can’t do it this way, well… I’d rather not do it at all.

So yeah, I’m gonna write books and design projects the way I like to do it. And when it comes to company work, soon, it will be management. And if that does not work, I’ll just sell all my belongings and go travel the world until I’m left without money. And then I’ll just climb on top of  a high peak over the sea and jump, and end my life with a fast flight and a big splash.

Stay safe, stay happy!


Feb 27 2017

Iuliana’s log, stardate 13312.16

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 0:44

I wanted to write something for a while, but stuff kept getting in the way. Since the last time I wrote something here’s what I did. I went to Fosdem, I started working on my new book,  registered to a hardcore fitness program called Limitless and got sick. And that’s about it. Let me tell you about each of these.

Fosdem was as boring as it was last year. Thank god for the waffles, the beer and the stickers, because presentations were not that catchy. OReilly’s was there selling books at really small prices. I don’t think I’m going next year. Fosdem presentations might be interesting for a high-school or university student, but for a software architect with more than 10 years of experience and technical author, not so much. I actually told my co-workers that most probably Fosdem won’t be interesting until I will hold a presentation there. ;)

The new book, I might have mentioned that, is Spring Pro, the 5th edition. I am modifying the sources wrapping them up together into a multi-module Gradle project. I will try to add code samples with everything new introduced in Spring 5 and I hope to send the manuscript on the 31st of August. I don’t know what else can I say. I have already submitted the first three chapters, so I think the book will happen.

The fitness program, well that was a long time coming. I do not have a weight problem, I have an agility and resistance problem. So I don’t think it would be that bad to lose some weight and get fit. I’m in the second month of Limitless and I love it. It gets me so tired that I just take a shower and go directly to sleep in the training days. And I learned to eat more and healthier.

When I left for Fosdem I felt a little uneasy, but I could not quite pinpoint the cause. The first night in Bruxelles made it obvious though. I had a few periods of fever over the night and I woke up with a head-ache. I decided to try to suck it up and fix it when I will get home. So I made the effort and almost succeed. Almost, because when coming back, I did not feel comfortable driving from Cluj to Sibiu. Anyway, I got back home, and although I felt a little light-headed, I thought it will pass. Then my throat started hurting, and it kept on for three days. And when I put my head on the pillow, the cough started. I tried anything for that, but still manage to only sleep 2-3 hours per night. I got pills, I worked from home and on Saturday morning after a few sauna sessions, I was standing next to my car, looking at the sun and smelling the spring air. The sun was shining, the spring was coming and I could breathe easily. On Sunday I woke up with difficulty to breathe. It felt like there was something pressing my chest. And it was not the cat at this point. Went to the doctor, got antibiotics. Three fucking weeks of antibiotics! At the end of the first week I felt way better. And then my throat started hurting again. And I had a runny nose, because why not? So yeah, apparently it is possible when you are full of antibiotics for a cold, to just catch a different cold virus. Every time I get a cold, I keep thinking, how the hell are we supposed to heal HIV and cancer, when we cannot design a vaccine to cure the cold viruses? And the irony in all this? I am so paranoid about getting a cold that I’m usually very careful: I take vitamins, I eat healthy and I get out of the house dressed according to the season. I am the last person you would expect to catch a cold. But here I am, I’ve been cold since the 3rd of February and it is not over yet.

I am now writing from Frankfurt. I am here for an important meeting and I have an uneasy feeling. I had it all week. No idea why. I hope nothing will go wrong.

Stay safe, stay happy!

 


Feb 15 2017

Win some, lose some

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 22:48

Writing in English on this blog has its advantages. The first advantage is that I can reach a wider public.  The second is that my knowledge of the English language is improving.(I hope). The third advantage is that friends of other nationalities can also read me and have a feeling of keeping in touch with me.

The disadvantage of all this is that MySQL crashes more often, as more readers, under the hood means more connections to the database. And thus, the memory leaks of such a competent software kinda make the memory insufficient for the said software to run.  I know, I know I have to learn how to configure it better. But guys, I’m not a MySQL Administration savy, and I do not have the time right now to become one either.

So what did I do? The easiest thing, I used something I know: Linux and bash scripting. I created a cron job to restart MySQL every two weeks. I can only hope my script will stop and start the service, before it kills itself because of the memory leaks.

But, just in case,  here it goes: I am asking for help. This blog is hosted on Ec2 micro machine. If you have a smart configuration for MySQL that will make my cron job useless, please send it to me via email, or just put it here in a comment so me and other busy part-time bloggers like me will put it to good use.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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