Apr 13 2019

My first crush

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 8:14

I’m not sure when I first saw “The never ending story“, but I loved the idea behind it. I cried when Artax, Atreyu’s horse, drowned in Swamp of Sadness, and at the time the analogy for the mental illness of depression was not lost on me. Even if it was not as loved as the first one, I loved “The Neverending Story II” as well. Probably because I had the appropriate age. Bastian was growing up, making mistakes and atoning for them. Bastian was becoming an adult, but learning not to lose his imagination either.

And Bastian was played by Jonathan Brandis that probably was my first crush. I liked his blue eyes, his dimple chin and the way he smiled, by pulling the corner of his left cheek a little harder than the right.

I remember having posters with him on the walls in my room. I definitely had this one.

And then Seaquest happened. I loved that series and I used to wake up at night to watch re-runs. I loved seeing him grow up from a kid into a beautiful young man. The fact that in the series they paired  him at some point with a hacker named Julianna might have been the moment when I decided that maybe being a software engineer is possible for a girl. I was so fascinated with him that I remembered writing letters to some papers asking them to write articles about him and print pictures with him. And they delivered.

I re-watched Seaquest during my faculty years, because I just could not accept that he was dead. He killed himself in 2003. I had access to internet by then and I Googled him from time to time. The news broke my heart, and it was very difficult to explain to my boyfriend at the time why. For him, he was just an actor, one of many. For me, it felt like we grew up together. There are a lot of assumptions about the reasons behind his suicide, and it is so sad to read about it. He was a single child of good decent, hard-working people and I am so sad for his parents, because they must be inconsolable.

Every year, around the time when his birthday would have been I remember him and watch an episode of Seaquest to remember his blue eyes and his voice. And I wonder how he was as a person. What kind of pancakes did he like most? Did he even like pancakes? What did he like to do on Sunday mornings? Which book was his favorite? I dreamed of meeting him one day and asking him all these questions while sharing my own preferred things about this world. I really, really wanted to get to know the man that brought my favorite character from Seaquest to life. But I guess every teenager with a crush of him at the time wanted the same thing.

Rest in Peace, dear Jonathan. I am glad you were part of my life through your work. I only wish you would have stuck around, because we might have ended up meeting one day.

[Later edit] And for all of you fighting suicidal thoughts, just you wait. Things are never as bad as you think, and reality beats movies when things start going right. I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was about 10 years old. I made it to 32 and finally won the battle. You will too and there are people willing to help. And feel free to drop me an email if you feel the need to talk about it. Just hang on and stick around, don’t rob someone of the pleasure to meet you.

Tags: , ,


Jun 28 2018

Part of the plan

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:20

I told you in a previous entry that my cat is sick. Then I thought the only problem was her swollen eye.  So I went to the vet and treated that. 60 pounds later, I had medicine and hope that she will get better. One day after, she stopped eating, the eye was not swollen anymore, but now puss was coming out of her both eyes and nose. I kept guard on her last night, making sure she was ok. This morning, her nose was dry and this is the worst sign with furry animals. It means that they have fever and that they are dehydrated.

So I called her doctor and I managed to get her scheduled tomorrow morning. Meanwhile I am still watching her. She hasn’t moved from her bed, where I put her last evening. I forced her to drink some water.

I know that in English, inanimate objects and pets are referred by “it”, but to me she is not a pet, she is my partner, she is my rock. She taught me how to say no and she taught me that all creatures alike need relaxation and sleep. She also helped me understand my empathy and to accept boundaries of others. It might seem ridiculous that a creature that cannot speak or express itself the way we humans understand could do this, but sometimes gestures, actions speak louder than words.

I have moved from Iasi to Sibiu with her by my side. Then I left her alone for two weeks and then put her in a cage, in a van with a lot of other animals and some strangers for 4 days to get her here. Because of the stress of that experience, she now weights 1 kilogram less.

She’s been with me since 2007. She survived two relationships. She reminds me to go to sleep when I get lost in writing and she starts purring out of the blue when I start feeling sad.

To me she’s not just a pet, she is an old soul. And I know she will probably die before I do, because her lifespan is shorter than mine, but this will not happen if I can prevent it somehow. She is not dying of old age, she is dying of a bloody infection. And that can be cured, all it takes is a little effort and a little money. And I will invest and do all in my power to make her better, because I did not have the time to imagine how my life would be without her. I had a plan: get a more technical job, move to Edinburgh, get the cat to Edinburgh, get a house with a garden for the cat, look for a pet sitter for the cat, learn, improve, excel, travel.  The cat is part of the plan, she has to get better.

Sick Psycho

Stay safe, stay happy!

Tags: ,


Dec 17 2017

About sexual harassment

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:59

I did not want to write about this until the scandals toned down a little because it would have looked like I was “milking the cow”. But I need to address this because surprisingly I did not read anywhere an opinion similar to mine and I wonder why there not many people with a similar view.

If you take the sexuality element from the sexual harassment, all you are left with are some bullies, some sad individuals, that feel pleasure in making other people feel weak and in hurting them. Or in taking advantage of other people’s weakness. And unfortunately, most women are weaker, because this is how our species has evolved. We do have more feeble bodies and stronger minds. Because well, you need that in order to deal with shit that people stronger than you will do to you.

If we take the sexual element from sexual harassment and look at the bigger picture, we are left with a disturbing culture, in which strong individuals are allowed to treat weak individuals like shit. The bullies were raised by some parents that did not educate them properly in the civil spirit that humanity prouds itself with. Unfortunately, education and respect for any human being could control this kind of behaviour. And I say unfortunately, because education is something that is not prioritized in most countries.

The most ridiculous thing is this world is that we have religions, we have so many of them, and any religion in this world has a basic rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!” I can’t imagine that being sexually harassed and raped, is what Weinstein, Trump and others are actually what they desire done unto them.

The downside of all these scandals is that we might see gestures like stealing a kiss disappearing, because no man or woman will ever try this for fear of being accused of sexual harassment. The upside is that we currently have a generation growing up with a new sexual conduct that will lead to a lot more sane relationships. And sane relationships might mean more educated children, that will become more sane adults.

I really hope I will still be here to see it.

Tags: ,


Jul 22 2017

Chester Bennington finally gave up

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:00

I have no words. I guess I just waited for this to sink in. Chester Bennington finally gave up. After battling depression and addiction for years, he finally broke. I really hoped he wouldn’t. But he did. I did not listen to Linkin Park in a long while. I do not really like their new sound, adapted to the modern tastes in music. But I loved “Out of Ashes“. That is the last time I really focused on his lyrics and his voice.

He was a tortured soul, he had a rough start in life. And he used his music to reach people who felt just as broken, just as hopeless, so they won’t feel alone in their struggles. And he reached me, a 16 years old girl looking for a place in the world, feeling the world was shutting her down at any turn and any try. Linking Park was the band that opened up the world of Rock Music to me, and for that I will be forever grateful.

Now it sunk in. I feel like I lost a childhood friend. The world was so mean to him, it hurt him in many ways. I really, really hoped, he will somehow  manage to put all that behind him. Oh well, at least now he’s free, nothing hurts anymore. Rest in peace Chester.

 

Tags: ,


Mar 05 2017

Always late to the party

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:36

In Romania, we have an expression that goes like this: “Never run after women and never run after trains. Others will always come.” This also means, that if you missed your train, no matter how much you run, you will not catch it.  In English you have a similar, but shorter expression to describe people that miss their moment, “The ones that are always late to the party.

I am one of these people. Since I’ve been born I was always late to the party.

My first love died and never got to tell him how I really felt.

The second is happily married with a 5 or 6 year old kid that has his eyes. He probably does not know how much he meant to me either.

The third, well I could not have made it to that party unless I was born 20 years ago, because he is a lot older than me.

The forth, he’s either married, or he has given his heart to somebody else such a long time ago, that it does not belong to him anymore. I really do not want to know at this point.

I usually do not care. When I start caring, I become weak. I lose sleep and my imagination tries to compensate for the sadness of not being loved back, by giving me weird dreams. I turn to logic and try to turn cold. I hide behind my glasses and behind the awkwardness of my introvert nature. And I dive deep into work, I dive deep into sport. I make myself physically and mentally tired so I cannot think of my feelings anymore. I keep myself busy so I do not have time to think about feelings. I ignore them until they disappear, or turn into lesser versions that do not have the power to hinder my judgement.

Sometimes I lie to myself that what I’m doing is actually working on myself, becoming a better person, because I will meet him one day and he deserves to meet the best version of me. But sometimes, all my work and all my effort seems so pointless. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for an imaginary lover that I might never meet, or miss him by a few hours, or years. Because that is how I roll, apparently.

I’ll just have to wait for the next party. Or train. Or man. Unless I die until then. And if I die, there’s not much loss anyway. We are all born and die without a reason or purpose, in a  few generations there will be almost no trace of the real us anyway. I’ll find comfort in my loneliness and pain, and I will use them as fuel to move forward. No idea towards what or whom.

And meanwhile, life goes on, the sun keeps shining.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Stay safe, stay happy!

Tags: , ,