Jul 22 2017

Chester Bennington finally gave up

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:00

I have no words. I guess I just waited for this to sink in. Chester Bennington finally gave up. After battling depression and addiction for years, he finally broke. I really hoped he wouldn’t. But he did. I did not listen to Linkin Park in a long while. I do not really like their new sound, adapted to the modern tastes in music. But I loved “Out of Ashes“. That is the last time I really focused on his lyrics and his voice.

He was a tortured soul, he had a rough start in life. And he used his music to reach people who felt just as broken, just as hopeless, so they won’t feel alone in their struggles. And he reached me, a 16 years old girl looking for a place in the world, feeling the world was shutting her down at any turn and any try. Linking Park was the band that opened up the world of Rock Music to me, and for that I will be forever grateful.

Now it sunk in. I feel like I lost a childhood friend. The world was so mean to him, it hurt him in many ways. I really, really hoped, he will somehow  manage to put all that behind him. Oh well, at least now he’s free, nothing hurts anymore. Rest in peace Chester.

 

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Mar 05 2017

Always late to the party

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:36

In Romania, we have an expression that goes like this: “Never run after women and never run after trains. Others will always come.” This also means, that if you missed your train, no matter how much you run, you will not catch it.  In English you have a similar, but shorter expression to describe people that miss their moment, “The ones that are always late to the party.

I am one of these people. Since I’ve been born I was always late to the party.

My first love died and never got to tell him how I really felt.

The second is happily married with a 5 or 6 year old kid that has his eyes. He probably does not know how much he meant to me either.

The third, well I could not have made it to that party unless I was born 20 years ago, because he is a lot older than me.

The forth, he’s either married, or he has given his heart to somebody else such a long time ago, that it does not belong to him anymore. I really do not want to know at this point.

I usually do not care. When I start caring, I become weak. I lose sleep and my imagination tries to compensate for the sadness of not being loved back, by giving me weird dreams. I turn to logic and try to turn cold. I hide behind my glasses and behind the awkwardness of my introvert nature. And I dive deep into work, I dive deep into sport. I make myself physically and mentally tired so I cannot think of my feelings anymore. I keep myself busy so I do not have time to think about feelings. I ignore them until they disappear, or turn into lesser versions that do not have the power to hinder my judgement.

Sometimes I lie to myself that what I’m doing is actually working on myself, becoming a better person, because I will meet him one day and he deserves to meet the best version of me. But sometimes, all my work and all my effort seems so pointless. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for an imaginary lover that I might never meet, or miss him by a few hours, or years. Because that is how I roll, apparently.

I’ll just have to wait for the next party. Or train. Or man. Unless I die until then. And if I die, there’s not much loss anyway. We are all born and die without a reason or purpose, in a  few generations there will be almost no trace of the real us anyway. I’ll find comfort in my loneliness and pain, and I will use them as fuel to move forward. No idea towards what or whom.

And meanwhile, life goes on, the sun keeps shining.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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