Jun 28 2018

Part of the plan

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 2:20

I told you in a previous entry that my cat is sick. Then I thought the only problem was her swollen eye.  So I went to the vet and treated that. 60 pounds later, I had medicine and hope that she will get better. One day after, she stopped eating, the eye was not swollen anymore, but now puss was coming out of her both eyes and nose. I kept guard on her last night, making sure she was ok. This morning, her nose was dry and this is the worst sign with furry animals. It means that they have fever and that they are dehydrated.

So I called her doctor and I managed to get her scheduled tomorrow morning. Meanwhile I am still watching her. She hasn’t moved form her bed, where I put her last evening. I forced her to drink some water.

I know that in English, inanimate objects and pets are referred by “it”, but to me she is not a pet, she is my partner, she is my rock. She taught me how to say no and she taught me that all creatures alike need relaxation and sleep. She also helped me understand my empathy and to accept boundaries of others. It might seem ridiculous that a creature which cannot speak or express itself the way we humans understand could do this, but sometimes gestures, actions speak louder than words.

I have moved from Iasi to Sibiu with her by my side. Then I left her alone for two weeks and then put her in a cage, in a van with a lot of other animals and some strangers for 4 days to get her here. Because of the stress of that experience, she now weights 1 kilogram less.

She’s been with me since 2007. She survived two relationships. She reminds me to go to sleep when I get lost in writing and she starts purring out of the blue when I start feeling sad.

To me she’s not just a pet, she is an old soul. And I know she will probably die before I do, because her lifespan is shorter than mine, but this will not happen if I can prevent it somehow. She is not dying if old age, she is dying of a bloody infection. And that can be cured, all it takes is a little effort and a little money. And I will invest and do all in my power to make her better, because I did not have the time to imagine how my life would be without her. I had a plan: get a more technical job, move to Edinburgh, get the cat to Edinburgh, get a house with a garden for the cat, look for a pet sitter for the cat, learn, improve, excel, travel.  The cat is part of the plan, she has to get better.

Sick Psycho

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Dec 17 2017

About sexual harassment

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 1:59

I did not want to write about this until the scandals toned down a little because it would have looked like I was “milking the cow”. But I need to address this because surprisingly I did not read anywhere an opinion similar to mine and I wonder why there not many people with a similar view.

If you take the sexuality element from the sexual harassment, all you are left with are some bullies, some sad individuals, that feel pleasure in making other people feel weak and in hurting them. Or in taking advantage of other people’s weakness. And unfortunately, most women are weaker, because this is how our species has evolved. We do have more feeble bodies and stronger minds. Because well, you need that in order to deal with shit that people stronger than you will do to you.

If we take the sexual element from sexual harassment and look at the bigger picture, we are left with a disturbing culture, in which strong individuals are allowed to treat weak individuals like shit. The bullies were raised by some parents that did not educate them properly in the civil spirit that humanity prouds itself with. Unfortunately, education and respect for any human being could control this kind of behaviour. And I say unfortunately, because education is something that is not prioritized in most countries.

The most ridiculous thing is this world is that we have religions, we have so many of them, and any religion in this world has a basic rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!” I can’t imagine that being sexually harassed and raped, is what Weinstein, Trump and others are actually what they desire done unto them.

The downside of all these scandals is that we might see gestures like stealing a kiss disappearing, because no man or woman will ever try this for fear of being accused of sexual harassment. The upside is that we currently have a generation growing up with a new sexual conduct that will lead to a lot more sane relationships. And sane relationships might mean more educated children, that will become more sane adults.

I really hope I will still be here to see it.

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Jul 22 2017

Chester Bennington finally gave up

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 11:00

I have no words. I guess I just waited for this to sink in. Chester Bennington finally gave up. After battling depression and addiction for years, he finally broke. I really hoped he wouldn’t. But he did. I did not listen to Linkin Park in a long while. I do not really like their new sound, adapted to the modern tastes in music. But I loved “Out of Ashes“. That is the last time I really focused on his lyrics and his voice.

He was a tortured soul, he had a rough start in life. And he used his music to reach people who felt just as broken, just as hopeless, so they won’t feel alone in their struggles. And he reached me, a 16 years old girl looking for a place in the world, feeling the world was shutting her down at any turn and any try. Linking Park was the band that opened up the world of Rock Music to me, and for that I will be forever grateful.

Now it sunk in. I feel like I lost a childhood friend. The world was so mean to him, it hurt him in many ways. I really, really hoped, he will somehow  manage to put all that behind him. Oh well, at least now he’s free, nothing hurts anymore. Rest in peace Chester.

 

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Mar 05 2017

Always late to the party

Category: English posts,MiscellaneousIuliana @ 17:36

In Romania, we have an expression that goes like this: “Never run after women and never run after trains. Others will always come.” This also means, that if you missed your train, no matter how much you run, you will not catch it.  In English you have a similar, but shorter expression to describe people that miss their moment, “The ones that are always late to the party.

I am one of these people. Since I’ve been born I was always late to the party.

My first love died and never got to tell him how I really felt.

The second is happily married with a 5 or 6 year old kid that has his eyes. He probably does not know how much he meant to me either.

The third, well I could not have made it to that party unless I was born 20 years ago, because he is a lot older than me.

The forth, he’s either married, or he has given his heart to somebody else such a long time ago, that it does not belong to him anymore. I really do not want to know at this point.

I usually do not care. When I start caring, I become weak. I lose sleep and my imagination tries to compensate for the sadness of not being loved back, by giving me weird dreams. I turn to logic and try to turn cold. I hide behind my glasses and behind the awkwardness of my introvert nature. And I dive deep into work, I dive deep into sport. I make myself physically and mentally tired so I cannot think of my feelings anymore. I keep myself busy so I do not have time to think about feelings. I ignore them until they disappear, or turn into lesser versions that do not have the power to hinder my judgement.

Sometimes I lie to myself that what I’m doing is actually working on myself, becoming a better person, because I will meet him one day and he deserves to meet the best version of me. But sometimes, all my work and all my effort seems so pointless. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this for an imaginary lover that I might never meet, or miss him by a few hours, or years. Because that is how I roll, apparently.

I’ll just have to wait for the next party. Or train. Or man. Unless I die until then. And if I die, there’s not much loss anyway. We are all born and die without a reason or purpose, in a  few generations there will be almost no trace of the real us anyway. I’ll find comfort in my loneliness and pain, and I will use them as fuel to move forward. No idea towards what or whom.

And meanwhile, life goes on, the sun keeps shining.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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