Oct 09 2016

A love that never was

Category: English posts,PersonalIuliana @ 21:58

I read a long time about a love that never was, a love that died before being born. I do not really remember the context, nor the story, but this expression, a love that died before being born, it stuck with me. As you probably know by now, I have a special interest in love, what it is, when it appears, how, why, is it even real or just another human illusion meant to simulate a purpose for our meaningless lives, etc. But I never thought I’ll have the occasion to match that expression to a situation.

When love is over, all is left is memories. If it ended badly, if the other hurt you, you tend to remember the bad ones. If the split was mutual you remember both, because when it comes to love, things are never black or white. Sometimes everything is quite gray. You will remember a lot of events and actions, but you won’t remember the great sex, the clubbing, evenings with friends and families. You won’t remember anything professional you did together. You will remember the little things. When you remember a love that died before being born, the little things become… not that little. Here is what I remember:

  • I remember his face the first time I looked at him, like really looked. I remember his dark eyes and the wrinkles along his eyes, that made him look older than he was.
  • I  remember the first date, but not quite date, when he burned his tongue with tea and we listened to Nat King Cole in his car.
  • I remember the first song he sent me that gave me the goose bumps.
  • I remember that rainy night when we talked about small things in his car, looking at the city from above.
  • I remember the first time our hands touched.
  • I remember the first time he held me in his arms.
  • I remember the morning coffee when we danced together on Sinatra.
  • I remember our first kiss, the one I stole from him with his permission, after all how can you say no to a birthday girl?
  • I remember the first night he slept at my place, my cheek on his chest and his hand around my neck.
  • I remember how his skin felt on my skin and how our bodies fit so perfectly together.
  • I remember the night we danced on Peggy Lee, and I remember wishing that dance would never end.

I remember all these moments that I thought might lead to a love like I’ve never known before. But I was wrong, sometimes beautiful moments do not lead to anything. Sometimes a crescendo ends abruptly when the singer runs out of air. This was a love that died before being born. I know the reasons, I always knew the thousands reasons why we were never meant to be. The fact that we met and had those moments was just sheer dumb luck, a strange and beautiful coincidence caused by our lives intersecting for a short time.

And although my heart is a little bitter, I have those memory to sweeten it up. Life is short, I’ll take any bit of love offered to me, even one that was never meant to be.

Stay safe, stay happy!

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Sep 26 2016

Iuliana’s log, Stardate 13340.04

Category: MiscellaneousIuliana @ 4:05

This week has been a good one. Autumn is coming, the mornings are cold and the sun rises after I rise from my bed and start my day, but I am slowly getting used to it.  The last weeks have been a little rough. I fell in love with someone. Actually  I do not know if I have fallen in love with him, or the potential man he could be one day. Because if there is one thing I’m a fool for, is men with potential. And this is stupid, because I see myself as a catalyst for their growth. When what I need right now is somebody to be a catalyst for me. I am human like everybody else and I often confuse what I want with what I need just like obese people want to eat a lot of good stuff when they need to exercise and take better care of their diet.

But, this is not about me and my almost broken heart. I was lucky this time, my heart has not been broken, just my ego got a little bruised. But if life taught me anything until now, everything fades away. I just have to give it time, make new memories and work a lot to stop the sad thoughts from overwhelming me and slowly drift into depression.

This  post is not about me. This post is about Bogdan. Since I started this blog I’ve written at least one entry about him each year. If you use the tag you can probably see them all. You can read what I hoped his life would have been like, you can read what he meant to me and why. He is just another person that died too soon and I would gladly give half of my live to have him in front of me for a minute. I still wonder why he had to die and a useless piece of meat like me got to live. I am sure he would have had a great life. I am sure he would not be alone right now writing about random and useless stuff on a blog nobody reads.

I had my share of pain before he died and I’ve had my share of pain after he died. I am sure more pain is to come. Which is ok, because I am cold and strong and I can take it. I did the best I could with my life. I still wish he could be here to see it though. I still wish we could have drank that bloody beer to celebrate I was admitted into faculty. I still wish I would have told him how much I loved him. He would have laughed and told me I’m being funny. And I would have smiled and said that’s the way I am, a funny little creature.

If there is such thing as a soulmate, he was mine. I don’t think I had the guts to call him my soulmate until now. This is the 15th year I lived without him. I never thought I would make it this far. I never thought his memory would haunt me for 15 years. But here I am. Sleepless. Sad. In mourning.

Love, I’ll see you next lifetime. I’ll be there.

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